I made this blog, to vent my feelings out about my anxiety disorder and depression. An order from the therapist; to start writing down my thoughts about how I feel. I'm supposed to find the feelings lost inside me. I cannot decide what to write about.

I'm having a day from hell. I didn't go to class...again. and haven't eaten today.

I need an intervention.

The lights have seemed to gone out all around me in my world. I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died. My dreams seem to have ran through my fingers like sand, and my friends aren't the same. The ones who I've talked to, don't talk much to me anymore. And the ones, I haven't mentioned my feelings to, are still around, but it kills me inside to be lying to them everyday.

Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

My mother thinks everything is getting better. I go to church again, I'm seeing a therapist weekly and taking new anti-depressant pills. I'm on the brink of relapsing back into an eating disorder. I just don't feel anymore. I just need to be a little be wiser, stronger, less needy, prettier, thinner, happier, smarter, or whatever...then maybe I could get to where everyone else seems to be in this life. It just seems to never go away.

I used to love to write. I have no interest in it anymore. I rarely go to class in college, I graduated highschool with a 3.8 and never missed a day. What's wrong with me? There just always seems to be something. I'm trying to keep my cool. But it's hard to feel alive, happy, and "normal" when these damn pills just make everything feeling less. They just knumb everything; including my happiness. They don't do me any good.

I just don't know who to turn to when i need to talk.

What ever happened to the girl I was? the woman I wanted to be? Trying to end it, would be pointless, and selfish, that's just unreasonable. Giving in, seems so easy now, but...it's not logical. There are so many beautiful things in the world to quit. It's too god damn beautiful to quit.

I dreamt too much; set my expectations too high.

What do you do when it all falls apart?

I'm picking my self up, but I have no idea where to start.

maybe i'm [just like this,]

   em j.