It's like there's no motivation

none to care. none to try. none to just be anymore.

There comes a moment when it's more than just life,

and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away.

It seems I've started to walk away.

Maybe I like the pain. Maybe I'm just wired like that....

Because without it, I don't know; maybe I just wouldn't feel real.

I'm tired of feeling so alone.

Relief exists....it's the only aesethic that makes me feel.

people have problems that are worse.

I feel i'm just not strong enough to deal with mine anymore.

There's just that day when you know it's here.

mine's back.

Dear God, surround me as I speak, the bridges that I walk accross are weak. The Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear. Dear God, don't let me fall apart you've held me close to you; But I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand.

Sometimes, when I feel miles away and my eyes can't see your face. Well I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness I walked in light of you. Be kind unto others; Call Jesus Christ Your Savior

They say that I can move the mountains; And send them crashing to the sea. They say that I can walk on water...If I would follow and believe

They say that love can heal the broken. They say that hope can make you see. They say that faith can find a Savior. If you would follow and believe; with Faith Like a Child....

 

 

Captivate my heart...be my vision, oh Lord of my heart.

The glory of this friendship is not the outstretched hand, or the kindly smile, or the joy of her being there all the time for me; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to me when I discovered that she believes in me and is willing to trust me with friendship.

 

 

Thanks for the kind advice in response to my last blog

 

I need to change my ways of life. I've been thinking about the replies to my last blog today, and I've come up with the conclusion that my life needs to be changed around. My thinking, my habits, maybe even size down my unrealistic goals. What could I do differently though, and how would I do it? That's the trouble I've been trying to figure out.

 

I could change my routine.

I could change the way I eat... However, I am watched because of eating disorder in the past

I could have a real conversation with someone for a chance.

I really need to de-clutter...but who doesn't?

I should exercise like I did in highschool...the only thing is...i was a tri-athlete and now there's more sports practices, etc. that I must make.

I know I need to listen more.

I need to try and have some fun.

I need to enjoy the journey of my life.

I need to have more Faith.

I should start writing again...and reading.

I need to figure out a stress relief plan.

 

But the truth is sometimes the greatest challenge we face in changing something about our lives is the actual act of doing. I've put up barriers within myself to stop myself from even trying to do something different, because I believe I will fail, it is too difficult to change, or it will take too long. I may never even start.

 

So I won’t start today; but try and start tomorrow. But I am sure I need to start just one of these things within the next month, and keep building these things up, because change, I know, only happens, if I try.

 

em j

I made this blog, to vent my feelings out about my anxiety disorder and depression. An order from the therapist; to start writing down my thoughts about how I feel. I'm supposed to find the feelings lost inside me. I cannot decide what to write about.

I'm having a day from hell. I didn't go to class...again. and haven't eaten today.

I need an intervention.

The lights have seemed to gone out all around me in my world. I know I'm alive, but I feel like I've died. My dreams seem to have ran through my fingers like sand, and my friends aren't the same. The ones who I've talked to, don't talk much to me anymore. And the ones, I haven't mentioned my feelings to, are still around, but it kills me inside to be lying to them everyday.

 

Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

 

My mother thinks everything is getting better. I go to church again, I'm seeing a therapist weekly and taking new anti-depressant pills. I'm on the brink of relapsing back into an eating disorder. I just don't feel anymore. I just need to be a little be wiser, stronger, less needy, prettier, thinner, happier, smarter, or whatever...then maybe I could get to where everyone else seems to be in this life. It just seems to never go away.

 

I used to love to write. I have no interest in it anymore. I rarely go to class in college, I graduated highschool with a 3.8 and never missed a day. What's wrong with me? There just always seems to be something. I'm trying to keep my cool. But it's hard to feel alive, happy, and "normal" when these damn pills just make everything feeling less. They just knumb everything; including my happiness. They don't do me any good.

I just don't know who to turn to when i need to talk.

 

What ever happened to the girl I was? the woman I wanted to be? Trying to end it, would be pointless, and selfish, that's just unreasonable. Giving in, seems so easy now, but...it's not logical. There are so many beautiful things in the world to quit. It's too god damn beautiful to quit.

I dreamt too much; set my expectations too high.

What do you do when it all falls apart?

I'm picking my self up, but I have no idea where to start.

 

maybe i'm [just like this,]

   em j.